TOO MANY IDIOTS ON THE HIGHWAY
Have you ever noticed there are more idiots on
the highway than anywhere else?
I don't mean this in a bad way. I've just heard
many motorists refer to other drivers as "idiots."
"Look at that idiot," they say. "His turn signal has
been on for 20 minutes."
Someone who runs a red light is almost certainly
an idiot. Perhaps even a stupid idiot (as opposed
to a smart idiot).
Someone who drives faster than about 85 miles
per hour is also an idiot. So is somone who drives
under the speed limit.
Somehow, no matter how hard you look on the
highway, you'll never find a genius. With so many
idiots out there, you'd expect to find at least one
genius. But I have yet to see a cop pulling over a
perfect driver to shake her hand. I have yet to
hear a motorist say, "Did you see that guy? He
just made a perfect turn. He's a genius."
Even if a woman drives her entire life without a
single traffic violation, no one will bring it up at her
funeral. No one will say, "Helga was such a good
driver. The highway will never be the same."
Unfortunately, the highway has only two types of
drivers: normal drivers and idiots. Once you're an
idiot, it's tough to become a normal driver.
Especially if your insurance company has moved
you to the idiot class.
You make one mistake, cause one accident, and
suddenly you're paying much more for car insurance
than rent.
To save you some trouble, the insurance company
asks you to mail your paycheck directly to them. "We
can spend it more wisely," they say. "You're an idiot."
Realizing you can't afford to have another accident,
you decide to be extra-cautious on the road. You
hesitate when merging with traffic. You resist passing
an Amish buggy. You even stop at a yellow light.
Guess what? You're an idiot again. The driver behind
you is certain of this. He honks and yells, "Go, you idiot.
What are you stopping for?"
Before long, you forget all about your accident -- you're
only human -- and you turn into Mario Andretti again.
You drive so fast, you even manage to pass a
tractor-trailer. But your luck runs out again and a cop
pulls you over. He listens to your excuse: "I'm sorry,
officer. I'm an idiot."
The cop has no sympathy. He has already ticketed 89
other idiots. Some thought the speed limit was only for
people with cheap cars. Others were trying to save gas.
A few were certifiable idiots: They were in a hurry to get
to their in-laws.
Your insurance company gets word of your ticket and
cancels your policy. They'd rather insure Mike Tyson.
Now you're stuck being an idiot. Everyone sees you
thumbing a ride. And drivers like me just smile.
I know what it's like to be an idiot. I once ran a red light
by accident. My Mazda was struck by a mini-van
and spun into another car. A cop arrived at the scene
in an instant, popping out of the car I had just dented.
This accident almost put me in the Idiot Hall of Shame.
But the selection committee decided to save room for
Halle Berry.
Considering how many idiots are on the highway, it's a
wonder normal people drive with them. It's almost like
handing out guns at the post office.
It would make more sense to erect new signs on the
highway: "Left lane reserved for idiots."
The left lane would be packed, leaving the right lane
safe for your great-grandmother.
Of course, some people shouldn't be allowed to drive
-- the ones who drink and drive. These people are
guilty of driving while D.U.I. (Definitely Ultimate Idiots).
They get an automatic entry into the Hall of Shame. For
at least five years, these people should be forced to
hitchhike and drink nothing but prune juice.
Some might consider this cruel and unusual punishment.
As for me, I'd rather keep the roads safe.
Besides, the prune industry could use a boost.
