I read couple of scary threads in Sajha - specially people giving up their life and talking of suicide. Let me tell you - your happiness, your success and good life origins at your brain.
If you are feeling gloomy, sad, feeling tired constantly, feeling lethargic, and nothing working with you, do you know why? Have you ever take 20 minutes of free time and sit and think, what can be the reason ? Do you ever think - there can be some reasons - biological or emotional ? Nope. You just want everything to be perfect by magic, you just wanna be successful (you don't know how..), you want to be happy. But in reality, you are not happy, and never ever think and analyzed seriously why you are failing ? What is the real problem ?
MY STORY:
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I lost someone whom I loved the most..God was cruel and I suffered a lot.. And i did not know.. soon my life would be in hell..
After suffering from chronic depression for many years (without even knowing it), and living totally shattered life in past, I know how it feels. I know that life living in hell. I was almost about to commit suicide (twice). I was bed ridden, completely isolated from friends, failing in jobs, every single days were struggle... dark .. It used to feel like spirling down a deep dark tunnel... with no hope of comming out of that.. Family and friends start calling me as rude, proudy, dry, uninteresting.. seeing me sleeping all the time - everyone in family scold me .. i am lazy, dull, and they say I can not do anything in life..
New life in US too busy..I failed terribly to this busy world.. My study grades suffered terribly bad, i can not concentrate in conversations, I think and rethink of me/myself .. all thoughts directing inwards 24 hours.. everything inward.. I feel pain in my stomach..i can not sleep in night.. and when i wake up in early morning - a wheel starts spining in my head, i can not fall back to sleep again.. I am already dead tired in morning.. i can not imagine leaving off bed and going to work.. Co-workers keep asking me why I look so sleepy..I changed 4 jobs in first year of my profesional life..It was a big struggle... I was burried deep in credit card debt..
First thing, for long time, i did not know what is this.. second I can not tell it to anyone.. they say - "depression is bullshit".. "Namard jasto kura..".. That word is chilling.. i feel more bad.. no one cares me.. no one listens me.. why only me ? every one hates me.. I am of no use.. they don't worry if i am not here in this world... I feel rejected.. dejected.. fallen down to the ground.. sattered like a glass.. broken into pieces.. My girlfriend left me cuz I am not interesting.. i am dry.. dull.. and my friends say - i am selfish.. cuz i dont call them or i dont pick up phone when they call me.. or i dont respond to their email.. And yeah, i feel unknown fear constantly.. dry mouth.. burning feet and palms.. . .unknown stomach pain.. heavy head.. . fear and Fear every single moments - when my phone rings.. when i find a new letter in mail box, .. when i need to open email.. or even when there are more people in sorrounding...I feel scary.. I can not talk when there are more than two people... I just feel better left alone.. on bed.. dark .. lying there for hours thinking randomly..
THAT WAS MY WORLD....
GOOD NEWS WAS - I was always suspecting.. something is not working with me... and I was always trying to figure it out. I USED TO SAY - I WONT GONNA DIE THIS WAY. I WILL NOT GIVE UP SO EASILY.. And that thought is what saved my life. I was not clear why I feel so tired.. why I can not sleep in time... and I was surfing discussion board.. reading on net.. to find for an answer.
ONE DAY, I found something.. people suffering from Depression do feel exactly what I was feeling..It was flash light.. THAT WAS A GREAT RELIEF - at least now I had a word to label it what I was suffering from.. - DEPRESSION.
I then started studying about depression, tried watching inspirational videos, listening inspirational speeches.. it alleviated, but it was no cure.. I wanted to get out of this hell.. and completely out. I DID NOT WANT TO DIE SILENTLY. Since, thinking positive and cognition behavior training (CBT) alone did not help.. so I began to believe that it must have caused some biological changes in our brain.. I started to study in that.. I found some conflicting evidences - Some say, it causes some biochemical changes in brain, others said - no.. it is just emotional thing.....It was totally confusing.. I wanted to give it a try.. using anti-depressant.. knowing that such medicines might have adverse side effect.. I used to think, since already my life quality has been so low just because of this .. there is no reason for me to fear.. Again I thought no... not now .. at least.
Then finally i decided to visit doctor. I explain him everything from the bottom of my heart.. it felt so good first time.. I cried there.. explaining how.. inspite of having master degree.. i was fainling in every sector of life.. I told him.. i am ready to do anything whatever I need.. I just want to get rid of this hell. From him, I learnt, deficiency of vitamin B and folic acid in body can cause depression.. He prescribed me good quality Vitamin complexes, folic acid tablets, and a herbal product call SAM-e and suggested me to take quality fish oil capsuls regulary..
BOOM! I feel like magic immediately in a week's period. I never .. ever imagined life would feel so light... sorrounding look so beautiful.. I feel more energetic.. And for the first time after many years, I started learning a technology in preparation of job search.. In 3 months, I got a new job.. I started enjoying working.. no more tiredness.. no more sleeping problem.. To some extent, it was strange feeling.. Soon I started enjoying parties.. friends... i start talking with people.. dancing in party.. LIFE WAS CHANGED totally beyond my imagination. Now it is second year i am living normal life. I still recovering from the damage caused in my social and personal life.. but I am already on the road..
Sometimes, I feel like my past was robbed from me.. But it is OK, at least I got it back again...I thank God (if there exists anything like this) - that I did not commit suicide.. and I am still alive today to live this beautiful life.. I enjoy driving out with friends, Still working for the same company.. I paid every single penny of my bills, bought a car (driving confidence was zero inside me .. previously).. . life is blessing..
SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN ?
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1. If you also feel sad, gloomy, constant bad feeling, low self confidence, if people do not like you, if you think failing apart, THINK THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU NEED URGENT ATTENTION. THERE IS A CAUSE. CURE IT FIRST.
2. Depression is a disease, like any other diseases, .. it affects our thinking pattern, You can not think right and you make wrong decisions.. It robs your energy out of your body.It makes you handicapped. It kills you silently. BUT... IT HAS CURE. YES, IF YOU HAVE WILLING POWER TO COME OUT OF THIS HELL, YOU CAN!
3. Depression, most likely causes bio-chemical changes in brain (I guess). You might need additional Vitamins, minerals, medicines too. Positive thinking and cognitive behavior training alone might not be helpful.
4. Most Important, YOU SHOULD BE READY TO ACCEPT that it might be depression what you are suffering from.
5. Don't Laugh at others problem. PEOPLE SUFFER and THEY NEED HELP. In this regard, they desperately post for help in threads in discussion boards. DONT MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE's problem.. please. .please.. It is inhuman, it is wrost act. IF YOU DONT KNOW THE SOLUTION, BETTER DONT SAY ANYTHING BAD.. SHARE SUPPORT AND CARE not HATERD.
CONCLUSION:
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After going through this 180 degree change in my life, I firmly believe that..
1. Every one can/has the ability to live quality life..
2. Every problem has its cause. Look for treating cause first.
3. People are different because they are at different mental health level. By improving your brain's health, you can dramatically change your life..
4. If you feel depressed, dont kill yourself. After ten years, you might be the most happiest person in this world. Ups and down comes in life.. THIS IS NOT END..
5. Listen, help and support others. If you can not, at least dont hurt him/her.
6.Depression is like a black window.. you see everything dark, but in reality, that is not the truth. You should now this - that there is a black window.. Try breaking it.. .
REMEMBER:
A WINNER NEVER QUITS, 'N A QUITTER NEVER WINS! - YOU WILL WIN IF YOU WANT!
...
PS. Sorry for my random thought.. but at least i wanted to let others.. that you are not alone..
Last edited: 17-Dec-08 05:00 PM
